I took some time out from work last week and went for a leisurely walk. Along the way I took some photographs of the autumn. So many people commented on how lovely they are. I do love the colors and the vibrancy of it all but the beauty of it all is almost tarnished for me because I confess that I really dislike the thought of winter.
The strange thing is when winter arrives it probably won’t be so bad at all. There will be those wonderful crisp frosty days where you can go walking a feel totally alive. I will have an excuse to cuddle down with my man in the warm and have a wonderful excuse to ignore the housework and make warm winter stews instead. No doubt I will enjoy some of the Christmas festivities and there will be some good times throughout the winter months.
This week I was told that my Mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. She has been seen by a Doctor weekly for some time now after spending considerable months in hospital last year. Sadly, she struggles with depression and increasingly her memory is causing her to feel frustrated.
After being told, my first thoughts were quite horrific. I also felt wholly inadequate on what to say to either her or my Dad. I sat there wondering how someone who is normally so assured could be so useless at dealing with something that has really been evident for a while. I feel as though I should have been prepared and at least had a compassionate speech prepared for the moment.
Furthermore, I confess a day later my mind went off on one of those tangents with never ending images and what ifs? I cannot begin to describe those awful scenarios in my head. These images coursed through my mind for most of the day and became more and more real. Frightening images of what might eventually happen.
Eventually in the evening, I started to discuss all this with my man. He stopped me in mid flow and said “Hey, hold on, what about now?”
I smile at the thought a few days later because this bit is not so hard. My Mum will be given some medication to slow down the process and now we need to provide reassurance and love just like we have been doing for months. For some time, although she has been terribly depressed, my Dad manages to bring some humor into her life, he is a good carer. In turn I try and bring some highlights into my Dad’s life and support him.
In actual fact now nothing has really changed except my Mum has a diagnosis. Now she knows that there is a reason why she is struggling to remember things and in a way, I suspect it is a comfort to her. Sadly, Mum has also accepted her death over the past year in particular and does in fact welcome it.
The fact is that as we move towards the end of the week, I have considered that I could spend my time worrying what is to come or I can concentrate on making things count now. There are so many elements beyond my control and I have no idea what will be around the corner. Whichever way I may think, the likelihood is that something quite different will happen.
I have reached the conclusion that I may be a whole lot better if I enjoy the beauty of autumn and worry about winter when it arrives.
Let me know what you think…
Chrissy
by: Chrissy Marie Smith
Tags: Alzheimer's Disease, comfort, Mother, Seasons, worry
